Barbie Q, the Grill Who Fell in Love with Christian Grey
by EuroCat
Summary: Love works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it creates unusual couples. Will this be a match made in heaven or the complete opposite?
1. First Encounter

Barbie Q, The Grill Who Fell In Love With Christian Gray

It was a dull day at Wallmart(A/N: I know the original has one L, just like the word lawsuit) and Barbie Q was suffering from crippling depression. The gas grill has been stuck in the box for weeks and felt like her life didn't go anywhere since she graduated from the factory in the distant Vietnam. All parts of her were present, but nobody so far bothered to put her together and give her meaning in life. It felt even more disheartening, when she could clearly hear humans walking by, stopping in front of her box for a few seconds and then once again going away.

"Why doesn't anybody want to buy me? Am I really this worthless?" sighed Barbie Q.

"It's always the same. Either they say nothing or they complain about the price or the pissy wife stops her drunken hubby who wants me. Those damn women must always be so jealous of my smooth design and shiny coils. Ugh, why couldn't they attach the propane tank to me while I'm in this state? Then I could blow myself and those mouth breathers out of existence!" sobbed Barbie.

Then she all of a sudden heard a strong confident manly walk approach her. "Surely someone like this will just walk away" she thought, but to her surprise that person stopped in front of her.

"Could it be? Were my prayers finally heard? Please don't let a dumb woman vagblock me again!" thought Barbie, while barely being able to breathe from anxiety.

"This one is just what I'm looking for. I'll buy it!"

"Such self-assurance! I haven't even seen his face and I'm already head over heat plates for him!" said Barbie Q, while her heat plates blushed. "There is no way I could become happier right now"

"I can't wait to put some juicy meat on this baby" said the male voice in lustful manner.

Barbie gasped. This was too much for her and she zoned out, not paying attention to her being carried away to a new destination


	2. New Location

When Barbie came back to her senses she found herself in an unfamiliar place, but it felt like heaven on Earth. She was on a beautiful patio of a tall penthouse. The sun was shining on her petite sides, the birds were twitching due to exhaust gasses and you could constantly look down at the seemingly ant sized peasants bellow. This is the life!

Barbie noticed that somebody put her together, since all parts of her were connected for the first time. "I'm finally alive!" she exclaimed in delight, but she was sad that her lust overwhelmed her so much, that she didn't even see how her owner touched every single place of hers, when he put her together. Just the thought of that made her hotter-n-a-Texas-sidewalk-in-July. She was thinking about him opening her lid, touching her parts that can be only seen on special occasions, wrapping his arms around her… She wanted to feel him, please him and spend every second with him. Barbie's metal legs started shaking, since he got her burning' up, she was so excited, she couldn't hide it. »I like it, but I can't lose control in front of… Wait a second! I don't even know his name." Barbie immediately snapped out of it. "I don't know the name of my master! How could this happen?" she thought while having a minor nervous breakdown.

Then the door of the penthouse opened. Onto the patio walked a tall, lean yet muscular, and broad-shouldered man. His hair brunette, the eyes grey. "Could that really be him?" asked Barbie.

He walked to Barbie and opened her lid. "He's so straight forward" she thought. "Please let him be my owner"

The man noticed that the grill was seemingly vibrating. "What's this?" he asked himself.

Barbie recognized the voice. "It is him! She couldn't hide her blush.

Her owner noticed more unusual things. "Why is the grill plate so warm?" he asked. "I haven't turned it on yet".

"Oh crap! I need to calm down" Barbie thought.

"Anastasia, come outside" shouted the man.

"ANASTASIA!?" gasped Barbie. "No way. It must be his mother or his sister or his cousin. Please, for the love of God, let it be just an annoying relative!" prayed Barbie to herself.

Then a young woman walked in. "What is Christian?" she asked.

"There's something odd about this grill I bought. Can you take a look at it?" asked Christian.

"Don't tell me that a strong man like you is not handy with such equipment. I think you have the right touch for things like that, considering how easily you removed my tampon with your teeth last night" said Anastasia with a grin.

Barbie was fuming, but she did her best to hide this. She didn't want to leave a bad impression.

"You always boost how you're good with tools and you have proved to me that you're great with knobs, so can you please take a look at this?" asked Christian.

"Fine" said Anastasia.

Anastasia approached Barbie. "Nothing looks out of the ordinary" stated Anastasia. She then touched the plate with her finger.

"OUCH!" she screamed. The plate was burning hot on the spot she touched it.

"What's wrong?" asked Christian.

"Your stupid grill is hot. I burnt my finger" yelled Anastasia.

"This can't be, it's not even turned on" claimed Christian. He put his entire palm on the plate. "It's warm, but definitely not hot. I think that it's like this because of the sun shining on it for a few hours."

"He's defending me" thought an overwhelmingly happy Barbie.

"Are you kidding me? My finger is burnt! If this is some kind of prank or kink, then you have gone too far!" yelled Anastasia, before she stormed back into the penthouse.

"What was this all albout? I think I'm not going to grill anything today. She really brought the mood down by behaving like a diva!" said Christian.

Barbie Q started to fume again "How dare that tramp drive a wedge between me and my beloved Christian?! She's going to pay for this!".

Christian also went into the house, leaving Barbie Q alone. She used this time by herself to think of a plan.


	3. Flamboyant Competition

Barbie spent the entire night and noon thinking of a way to get rid of that Anastasia. She could just set her on fire, but such acts are beneath her. That woman needs to be eliminated with class.

The door opened and Anastasia walked on the patio. She was talking to someone on the phone.

"Out of all things that could have caused our first argument, I never would have thought that a cheap appliance from a budget store could be the reason for it! He has everything! Why on earth did he decide to even walk into that trashy store, let alone buy something from it, is beyond me. This thing has got to be jinxed! I injured myself the moment I touched it, not to mention since it was brought here, I feel incredibly uncomfortable. It's like somebody is watching me! Something unusual is happening!"

Barbie could barely hold her composure and Anastasia's nagging was getting on her nerves.

A female voice on the phone said "Calm down, Ana! You're being paranoid. Listen to yourself, you talk like this grill is sentient. It's just useless garbage. Buy something better and throw it away!"

"You're right, mother. I can't believe that this got me so upset. I'm going immediately get this rid of this nuisance and will make sure that by tomorrow this pile of cheap metal will be in a dumpster. Christian will come home late in the evening, so I have enough time" with that said, Anastasia stormed of the patio and was gone for some time.

Barbie was getting slightly worried. She couldn't test her plan out, because everything happened so fast. This could be a fatal missed opportunity!

It felt like an eternity before the door once again opened. Anastasia walked in, with a brute who was carrying a huge box.

"Where should I place it?" he asked.

"Right there, next to that third class discount pile of metal" ordered Anastasia.

Barbie was furious at seeing those insults thrown directly in her face. "What does this broad think who she is, to talk like this about me?" she thought.

Some time passed before the finished product was visible. It was a shiny new portable oven.

Anastasia said proudly with a grin "This is exactly what we need. It's big and expensive, a real show off for visitors and it's also powered by non-renewable resources, since why not use them, till we can? Next to it the grill looks like it was bought at a flea market!" Shortly after that she went inside again.

"Her taste in devices for cooking is just as pretentious as she is!" is all that Barbie could say to what she just heard.

"Looks like your time has expired, darling!" said the oven to Barbie.

"Shut your mouth, you oversized microwave!" replied Barbie.

"Ha! What awful manners you have! Hardly a surprise, when it comes to such cheap imported appliances" said the snooty oven.

Barbie became furious. "Who do you think you are, to talk like this to me?"

"I'm Owen the oven. I am a carefully designed American product. I have a responsive ceramic cooking deck and composite ceiling liner for enhanced heat dynamics. I'm reliable, fashionable, stylish and top notch quality. Everything you lack!"

"Those are rather big words for a metal box that's designed to make the most basic of peasant foods, pizza!" replied Barbie Q.

"Darling, I can offer so much more! I can roast meat and vegetables, I can make casseroles, I can bake breads! The options are unlimited! You on the other hand can only prepare the most basic of meat" boasted Owen.

"Well, Christian said that he wants to put his meat on me. So I guess I achieved my purpose!" said Barbie proudly.

"Why should he put his meat on you, when he can get fresh warm buns from me?" asked the oven with a smirk.

"Because I can give his meat the treatment it needs, something that your bun can't!" said the grill with confidence.

"Oh, honey. Once a man goes there, he isn't coming back! Tasting my bun is an unforgettable experience!" said Owen smugly.

"I have had enough of you. You need a reality check and I will make sure, you'll get one! That crown on your big head will soon fall to the ground"

Barbie knew that she can no longer miss an opportunity for her plan. Anastasia and the oven need to go, pronto!


	4. A Call from Above

Chapter 4: A Call from Above

Christian finally arrived home. Anastasia didn't waste a minute and dragged him on the patio to showcase the new addition she bought. Christian however wasn't impressed.

"Was buying this really necessary?" he asked.

"Yes, I bought this for us" said Ana proudly.

"We don't need this!" said Christian with determination. "Why are you being so obsessive since I bought that grill? It's completely unlike you! You're not behaving like the woman who I started this relationship with!" The moment he said that he left and went back into the house.

Barbie could barely hold her laughter at the priceless facial expressions of Anastasia and Owen. She knew that Christian wouldn't fall for this overblown oven.

Anastasia was pissed. "I spent so much money for him and he doesn't even appreciate it!" She then turned around and kicked the oven.

"Hey, what did I do?" asked Owen. He then remembered that earth-walkers can't hear them and just said "Such a bitch!"

Anastasia then stepped in front of Barbie and raised her first.

"Stop it Ana!" said a voice.

Anastasia got scared of the unfamiliar voice, looked around herself and noticed that she alone on the patio.

Owen was shook. His wig was snatched at what he just saw.

"Who is there?!" she yelled in fear.

"Don't worry my child. It's me, God" said Barbie in an ethereal way.

"Are you speaking from the…. GRILL?!" asked Anastasia.

"Yes Ana. I don't have a body, so I use objects to speak to the chosen ones"

"I'm a chosen one?" gasped Ana.

"Yes, you are. I know this might be a little too much at once, but you are indeed special Ana" said Barbie.

"Sorry for my surprise. I don't know where to begin. I never thought that this could be possible, then again, I didn't think that God's voice would sound like Fran Drescher trying to imitate Marge Simpson" said Ana.

Barbie angrily thought to herself "Why you little good for nothing…."

Ana then asked "But why did you burn my finger, God?"

"The bible is full of suffering from the chosen ones, so don't complain. It's by far the easiest way for God to communicate with mortals".

"That's understandable, I guess" said Ana.

'God' then said to Ana "Now Ana, I have a special job for you to do. The old church in town is suffering. Young people simply don't want to enter it. I want you to change this. I want you to become my ambassador. I want you to become a nun!"

Ana was shocked "Me? Becoming a nun? God, I don't know. I mean I never thought of this. I mean…. Nun… the words says it… I don't want to have none."

"Believe me Ana. A person is the happiest when they're close to God."

"But what about Christian?" asked Anastasia.

"Tell me, do you really love him, or is it just lust that makes you want him? Does he respect you for who you are or does he just see you as your obedient toy?" asked 'God'

"Now that you say it like this… I don't know. He does indeed seem to only like me for that. I bought him such an expensive gift and he showed no appreciation for it" pondered Ana.

"See? He doesn't actually love you."

"Nobody would believe that I'm having this conversation now. Good thing that I don't have schizophrenia, otherwise the voices would tell me things with a malicious intent…." After a short pause and some thought Ana said "I'll accept your demand God and I already have an idea on how to bring the youth back into your holy building. I'm going to start packing right now and I'll move out today!"

"Thank you Ana. I knew I could count on you!" replied Barbie.

With that Ana walked out to the house. Some shouting was heard behind the door. Barbie's plan seemed to work.

"What a stupid bimbo. HA-HA-HA!" laughed Barbie Q.

Owen finally could speak again from the shock "How can you talk to them?

"It's not all in the price tag, honey! For things like that you also need some skills, not just a pretty face!" said Barbie Q.

The amount of shade Owen just faced left him speechless…. again! He never experienced getting dragged like this.

Shortly after this Ana came to the patio again and grabbed Owen "I'll take you with me. We'll have so much fun at the picnics singing Dominique, nique, nique!" said Ana joyfully.

"Noooooooooo! Anything but that!" screamed Owen, but only Barbie could hear his dismay and she responded with light chuckling at the karma.

Barbie was delighted. She hit two birds with one stone.


	5. Sizzling Love

Chapter 5: Sizzling Love

Barbie could barely sleep during the night due to the excitement. The day where she has Christian all for herself has finally arrived. No more Anastasia and her sassy oven, just her and her love… but what if he rejects her?!

Barbie was nervous. How could she ever deal with a no from his gorgeous mouth? It could go both ways and the uncertainty was too much for her. She could feel the pressure rising in her propane tank.

The door suddenly opened and Christian came on the patio. Barbie was twitching from excitement and was thinking of how she could reveal herself to him. She was thinking of all the possibilities. Could she just say Hello and introduce herself? Or would a romantic icebreaker be better? Would a pick line even work on him? She couldn't decide and he was walking right towards her. Barbie froze from shock, she couldn't mutter a single word.

Christian looked a little under the weather and began talking to himself "I can't believe she left me and wants to become a nun. Now I have seen everything! She seemed so different from the others, but in the last few days she behaved like she came straight out of the looney bin. I really dodged a bullet there! Good thing I triggered this bizarre behavior now. Who would have thought that a grill would save me one day from a doomed relationship." The moment he said that he put his hand on Barbie's plate.

*Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!*

Christian backed up in shock. "Did the grill just…. MOAN?"

Barbie panicked due to her cover being busted, but she needed to focus, otherwise the situation is going to become somewhat weird.

"Here goes nothing" she thought.

"Yes, Christian. I can talk" said the grill.

"What? Since when can cooking appliance talk?" asked Christian in slight confusion.

"We could always talk, but most humans can't understand us, so we just communicate with each other. I was stuck so long in the box that I tried, again and again, to talk to people who walked passed me and one day it simply happened, people understood what I said, but I knew that this could be dangerous if I got into the hands of the wrong people" explained Barbie

"Okay… but why did you moan when I touched you?" asked Christian in a suggestive way.

"Sorry Christian, but I the touch of your hands makes go seventh heaven" said Barbie in slight embarrassment.

"You mean like this?" said Christian, while putting his palm on Barbie's plate.

"Aaaaah! Yes. Oh yes. You complete my life! Yes!" said Barbie during this delightful moment.

"Wow. You must really like me! I admit, I always had an eye for you too" confessed Christian.

"Really? I'm overjoyed at hearing this from you!" said Barbie while barely holding back her tears from happiness.

"I always felt like I'm different, just a husk of a man, like I have no real heart. Women wanted me for what I look like, not for what I am. You… you're different from them. You understand me!" said Christian as he unbuttoned his shirt.

"I dreamed of this, since the moment I met you" said Barbie Q.

"Let's make proper love" said Christian.

Christian started caressing Barbie, lightly touching her left side, while getting a hold of her with his other hand. His chest hair was rubbing against plates and Barbie responded with warming them to the perfect temperature.

He kissed her and she said "Don't hesitate, you can get rough with me, my love! I know I'll love every single second of it."

He got a tight grip around Barbie, she could feel his heartbeat, he could feel her gas pressure rising.

They both loved seeing each other while being so close, watching in amazement of the beauty of they had in front of them

"I knew it that you were the perfect match for me" he said and they continued making passionate love, unlike any other they have ever experienced.

Barbie and Christian lived from that day on happily together. Barbie even legally changed her name, becoming Barbie Q. Grey. Christian never looked at another woman again, they had each other and that's all that matters.

As of Ana, she did exactly what God told her. She became a nun in the almost forgotten church and with her innovative ideas, she made sure that the attendance rose to a record high. When she came up with the idea of the monastery selling their home-brewed alcohol the interest increased, but the moment she thought of selling alcohol at reduced prices during church services, she made sure that every seat in the building was taken.

Save the Earth, it's the only planet with alcohol!


End file.
